The Tale of The Songbird Who’s Afraid of Flying
Bound by Inner Waves - KAM 2020 -
A confession of a singer in training - Personal Post
The surface is getting higher.
The tide closing in.
The water keeps coming, always rising.
Getting harder to breathe.
With each step
Each breath.
Heart heavy.
Close to breaking.
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The following is an insight into my brain, how I felt being crushed by self doubt, humiliation and defeat. I wrote this personal rant, -you can hardly call it anything else I’m aware- after a horrible and rather heart breaking performance as I was studying music and Italian in Florence, fall 2018 - originally wrote it on my other blog but will share it here for now, in case it helps anyone feel seen.
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-When You’re Feeling Small-
This sounds maybe overly heavy for a start of a blog post. Today‘s will be personal, and maybe overly dramatic in the grand scheme of things. Selfish?
But sometimes you just have to explain. Get it out. Besides this IS something that is my world. My “raison d‘étre? Maybe a little self-centred introspection is ok sometimes? Maybe it‘s not TOO egotistic if this, to my best knowledge and feel, is the only thing that can put my soul alight.
Cloud Dancer -KAM 2020- SOLD
“So…What Went Wrong?”
It is a peculiar kind of pain. When your heart feels heavy. Because who you are on the inside doesn’t match who you seem to be on the outside. No, not just talking about ‚its what’s on the inside that counts‘ More like being blocked. Having a rich fantasy world on the inside, in which you feel confident and strong; knowing you can do what you want and love. The moment however you try to bring that vision to fruition into the real world you stumble and fall.
“Why??“They ask you. “what went wrong??“ “but…you were better before…” “Oh, come on! It’ll be alright! “
It makes the pain and disappointment all the deeper. It’s not even just about you disappointing yourself, putting only yourself to shame. It feels like you’re letting people down that worked hard to help you. Kind and supportive ones.
When this happens repetitively, the little light inside of you flickers and is always one step closer to extinguishing every time you try to let it out. Try to do the thing that should make your soul shine. Your heart soar. Instead, you feel like hiding. Like a fraud. Averting your eyes as you feel the sting of shame when they say, “nice job!” just because you know it isn’t true.
Well-meant but daggers all the same. The praise of pity. Unearned glory.
The derailed path
For me, the fact that, as a child, I did perform. I was scared, sure. I was nervous and shaky – definitely. But I could do it anyway, I went up there and sang. It seems the more I work towards improving, the worse I get. The more I learn the less knowledge I earn. Instead of improving it feels as if I’m working backwards. Now shouldn’t it be the other way around? You should improve with time and age, as you master your craft. It feels almost like something has been taken away from you, something you had a right to before but isn’t there anymore. Surely, this is a natural god given thing…. anyone can sing?? People do it all the time despite fear. Most of the time it seems to come naturally, without effort. (sure, of course, they have worked up to it for hours, years) but the performance part of it seems effortless. And I used to. So… what went wrong?
If only I knew.
At this moment in time, it looks to me like I’ve lost that birth right somewhere along the way. To fear? Did I hesitate too long? Was I too quiet so I’ll end up losing my voice completely? Poetic justice…? Is that it?
With every performance, a thing that should thrill me, I get closer to giving this whole life up completely. But what else can you do when all your life you’ve worked toward one goal, one vision. A belief of: “there is only one option.”
And what if you then find you don’t even have that option anymore.? What can you do then? I’m not sure I even know how to give up as I’m always drawn right into the same stuff again anyway. And what would be the point? What is the meaning of me if I can’t do this one thing? What is the “why?”
I’d like to know. I’d like to be able to access my light freely, openly and share it with the world if I so choose. But in too many ways, I still seem to be crippled by fear when it really comes down to it. Afraid of my own voice. Afraid of making a noise.
Always hidden inside my private bubble of (carefully orchestrated) colours, but something is amiss, maybe after years of solitude when running away and locking the door seemed the smartest move, the locks have become permanently blocked.
Lady Butterfly -Kam 2020-
It’s hard enjoying what you love the most if your whole body is betraying you “Just Sing! – just do it” they say. They have a point too, I know they’re right, but it isn’t entirely that easy. When after years of failed performances due to fear, such an irrational thing, it’s true. Despite my best efforts of telling myself, training my head to have a better attitude. Better mindset. Be more positive. My plans always seem to crumble around me, and that isn’t very conducive to success or confidence. I want, need! to be heard but at the same time, it’s become what scares me the most. A fear of my own voice.
I’ve developed a fear of my own abilities and in doing so, they have become my disabilities.
I wasn’t ever confident when younger that I can recall, but when it counted, I had it under control. I used to hold the fears in and not let them affect me. Part is the reason and regret is not working on performing for years during my teens, an important time in one’s development. A big mistake. “For lack of opportunity,” I say, perhaps true but maybe also because I didn’t go out and seek them enough.
Always this: Careful, careful, so very deliberate… “hush hush – don’t breathe, you don’t want anyone to know you exist do you!??” So much that in time this has become my normal, expected state. Reverting away from it is hard. It’s a painful state. Not a simple problem to solve. How can this be what I want? Maybe they’re right and I should stop completely, give up and find something else to do? Do something so I can finally be of use somehow.
It’s so overwhelmingly big, has become much bigger than me at this point and the idea of it and the fear associated with it are swallowing me whole. Still, I always pretend. Tell people this is what I can do. *cue fraud police*
The Breakthrough - from the exhibit “Fantastical Beings” SOLD -Kam 2020
Always Gonna Dream - Can’t Give Up!
What used to be easy, is now overwhelming and it’s breaking my heart. But since I can’t even accomplish success in this I feel so small, insignificant. As if hearing my very voice is wrong… and yet I know I can do this, I know I’m worth something and no matter what anyone says I should be heard despite my feelings of wrongness. What can you do to solve a problem like this? It’s a cycle that only keeps growing bigger, spiralling out of control until I’m breathless. (And what’s the use of a breathless singer anyway? Heh) “Where’s your spark??” Go out and find it or look inward. But maybe that´s where the danger lies. That’s where I get lost because I’m so introverted it’s like a black hole swallowing me up from the inside out, inverting me and all my energies.
And still, I do it. I try. Make the same mistakes a million times over, but onwards, I try. Marching to the beat of my own inverted drum. Anyone care to join me? Anyone knows where we’re headed? Maybe not, and maybe we shouldn’t care if no one knows anyway.
-KAM Florence 2018
Re-posted 15.02.2021